Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
