I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
