dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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