I am puke
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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