Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
