I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
