I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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