so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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