Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
