either way he was missing a nipple.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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