We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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