I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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