i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
