Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
