Well douche your snatch and let's go!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
