So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
