took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
