I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
