i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
