apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
