I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
