Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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