So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She told me I should be a condom model.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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