You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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