Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
