one word: firstdatebathroomanal
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Who died my cat blue again?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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