I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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