I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
