I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
