I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
