Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
