i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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