The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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