Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He passed out mid-signature
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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