just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
