Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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