Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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