yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
