I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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