Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I supernannyed him into submission
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
