I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
