The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
