Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
