I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
