She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
