Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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