Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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