I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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