Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
