what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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