Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up under a house in Key West
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize