grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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