you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
