I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
