I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
